third annual year Of team recaptacular

It was year of losing. Lots of losing. It was year of hope. Lots of hope. More hope than losing? It was year in which young, talented children left mothers, bindlestiff containing nothing but mitt and multimillion bonus baby contract, to head for City in hopes of chasing very, very elusive dream of playoff baseball.

Wandering Dog

But enough meandering, here is Team year in review:

Jan. 6: Mark Charles Teixeira dons pinstripes, spurning $140 million hometown offer. God told him to do it, around Christmas 2008. Deity’s mandate renders Team dead in water for Season in terms of potential to contend. Later in season God allows first baseman to win World Series or something.

Jan. 17: Wayward O fires up tweetbox!

Jan. 18: Rumblings from Warehouse that Nicholas William Markakis has agreed with Team to $66 million deal that runs through 2014. Also this chilly weekend Brian Michael Roberts marries model Diana Chiafair.

Jan. 19: Team sends Garrett Andrew Olson to Chicago for Felix Pie, whose presence in Baltimore over year sparks more flameposts on and other sportsyaps than any other save perhaps Derk Jeeter’s presence on Earth. Pie gets into 101 games for Team over ’09 and shows flashes of brilliance as well as bouts with Nincompoopery. Meanwhile Olson – one of genuine good people in World – gets flipped to Seattle and more or less disappears. Olson is exhibit A of touted prospect potential versus reality. But of course he was touted by Old Guard, not necessarily Col. Lance Pickett A. MacPhail.

Feb. 2: By groundhog day Team accreted players including Cesar David Izturis, Gregory Owen Zaun, Koji Uehara of Land of Rising Sun, Mark Allan Hendrickson and Ryan Freel. Oh, and Richard Joseph Hill. Wayward O was excited about Koji for a minute and of course Izturis move has borne out. But good deal of cured meat was on display too. Weaver’s Tant. did a nice write on Hill.

Feb. 3: Ty Allen Wigginton leaps atop pigpile of mediocrity. Fat jokes ensue as baseball’s Kevin James finds new locale to call home.

Feb. 12: Miguel Odalis (Martinez) Tejada pleads guilty to lying to federal investigators about … everything? Former AL MVP as of this writing is man without team. And speaking of controversial former members of Team, rumors swirl about Roberto (Velazquez) Alomar, his former ladyfriend and, um, AIDs. Wayward O could never figure out which parts of that mess were true.

Feb. 19: Roberts becomes Oriole-for-life with $40 million deal that runs through 2013. Whine-o-Spere drops endless posts about 2nd-basemen “wearing down” and pointing toward inane stats. But Reality-o-Sphere lauds signing, considered to be second crucial off-season extension. Earlier in week Roberts publicly forgave everyone but self (read: Larry Robert Bigbie) for steroids debacle, which would claim more big names as season progressed.

Feb. 20: Peter Schmuck drops yearly scoop on Diaspora – Aub. has MANHORSE tatt! Only brief glimpses from grainy video stills are made available of artwork but new nickname is spawned. Aub. if you are out there … send pic to Blog! This and reports of Pie rap song are two enduring cultural mysteries.

March 4: Young Adam Jones, on way to Gold Glove, standout year, says “I’d like to see more black athletes playing baseball.” Black athletes Yawn, stretch, shoot around.

March 7: When you are blogger, you say things. Some of them are stupid. Wayward O wrote “team doesn’t have best bench in AL East with Scott, Freel and Wigginton?” What teh Hell, Wayward O? Wayward O does not admit or deny liability for statement as condition of settlement and agrees to injunctive relief sought by Prosecutor of Dumb.

March 8: Matthew Richard Wieters breaks up putative Twins’ no-hitter in Spring tilt. Team loses 2-0 but feat quickly adds to legend of future Greatest Catcher Ever. After game Weet says, “I think every at-bat you go up there trying to get a hit,” which, damn.

March 23: Some doods upload fight song. And manage to rhyme Izturis with Markakis … what a country!

March 25: Wayward O predicts Mets will go to World Series behind NL MVP David Allen Wright. Ha ha ha. Actually not worst prediction ever. But still funny. In August conking of Wright on head by pitch caps hellish Met year.

March 29: Miniature shitstorm ensues after rainout turns into game — and broadcasters aren’t there. Joe and Fred issue explanation. What if Joe Angel were pilot? It would be scary ride but announcements from cockpit would be funny. And Fred could deploy Moustache as emergency slide chute after flying past Minneapolis. Actually radio broadcast Team gets high marks despite occasional bouts with hopelessness as often-frustrating year drags on.

April 3: Hayden Penn sent packing for Robert Lazaro Andino, who got into nearly half of Team’s games in 2009 and acquitted self. Redundant note to fans who currently think every young pitcher on Team is next Jim Palmer: there will be Penns. Christopher Cory Gomez is last man cut — which in retrospect was dumb.

April 8: After gut-wrenching Opening Day win, Koji goes 5 and Team runs regular season record to 2-0 with second win over eventual Champs. DiaspOra giddy.

April 11: Melly Mo hits Grand Slam in 6-0 win over 2008 AL Champs Tampa Bay. Jeremy Guthrie runs record to 2-0.

April 13: Baltimore jerseys MAKE DEBUT!

April 20: Team completes four-game sweep in Boston in which Team gets swept. Your losing pitchers are Danys Baez, Adam Eaton, Uehara and Hendrickson. Although to be fair it was Guthrie who kind of lost first game, squandering 7-run outburst by Team. In final game Freel gets conked by baseball never to return or something. Freel. Another particle on dustbin of recent history.

April 21: Bradley Steven Bergesen, on tight pitch count, stops losing madness with a 1-ER win in Chicago. Wayward O, in effort to remember how to spell name, is first ever to call him “three E” — and you could look it up (provided you know how to advance search in Google) so stop taking credit for shits you didn’t invent.

April 27: Adam Jones takes out Texas with three-run homer, splits pants…

Image via MASN

April 29: For some reason Nick M. decides he’s Lou Brock in 8th inning during close game v. Angels. Attempt to steal second helps seal 3-2 home loss and it’s one of many, many baserunning blunders Team makes on season. Said bumbling almost gets Manager run.

May 7:

That is all

May 12: Amber’s Wiki hacked. Silly season in full swing and not even Summer yet! Well why not? It’s ‘nother lost season anyway. Red Sox fans secretly jellus, though, because Team’s players are cooler. And Boston Girls got Broccoli in they teeth.

May 21: Team completes three-game sweep at Yankee stadium in which Team is swept by Yankees. In attendance at new ballpark Wayward O remembers thinking Andino looked nervous and pretty much out of depth.

May 26: Daniel Alberto (Cruz) Cabrera, jettisoned by Team in December, is jettisoned by lowly Nationals of Washington.

May 26: BLOGGER NITE! Wayward O cracks Billy Ripken jokes, eats free crabcake. Also: Wieters coming up to big club.

May 28: Nolan G. Reimold hits 3-run homer in 11th to sink Blue Jays in SuperPalooka Double Overtime Massacre. Dwindling crowds at Camden buzz with news talented kids finally are on way.


May 29: Wieters ohfer in MLB debut but conjurs up sweet rainbow. Luke Brandon Scott hits Grand Slam. Scott annointed next Jim Thome. Wayward O yawns, checks out Aubrey Huff Wiki for nuggets from life lived not-so-deliberately.

June 7: Team starts month with 1-5 road trip out west. In one Seattle game future and erstwhile member of Team Erik Joseph Bedard goes 6.1 allowing one earned run.

June 17: Wieters hits first of 527 MLB home runs, most of which are still pending. Fact: Wieters got full extension on that one.

June 21: Team sweeps World Series-bound Phillies in Philly.

Always sunny…

Young fan of Philadelphia team gets into it as fans jeer apparent blown call that went way of Team. Something akin to “Replay Madness” grips Whine-o-Sphere. Please let it go away.

June 25: Team completes sweep in Florida in which Marlins sweep Team.

June 28: Team signs first-round draft pick Matthew Micah Hobgood, handing him $2 million-plus bonus, avoiding signing deadline drama and spawning raft of hobgoblin jokes. Jones and Huff make fun of his clothes. He buys suit.

July 4: For 837th time Buck Martinez notes how player “gets full extension” while swinging baseball bat at baseball. Gasping with shock at revelation, entire baseball world stands silent for few moments while regaining composure. By end of year Buck takes his edgy act out of City and briefly can be found at Poetry Slams in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, plying verbal Wares.

July 8: Aubrey Lewis Huff takes field sporting moustache. Team scores 5 in ninth to beat Seattle a day after…

Manager blows lid July 7

Ejecto-Tremb! Wess Coass’ Style

July 14: Jones collects sac fly to put AL up run in All-Star game. Then somehow Jones ends up in right field for final inning. Jones in RF is TAMPA AFFRONT to Team but it’s cool. Revenge best served cold when Trembo someday is All-Star Mgr. he will stick Carlos Pena at short. Hahaha Wayward O has vivid imagination.

July 17: “Fire Dave Trembley” brass band achieves full roar and manager says “I’m the holding tank, I’m here until it gets real good. I’ve heard all that stuff. I don’t think I work for people like that.” Manager would have to wait more than two months to discover whether bluff worked.

July 18: Tired, sweaty Koji goes on disabled list to spend more time with masseuse.

Aug. 11: David Jose Hernandez takes down a QS in 3-2 home win over Oakland in which Melvin Mora gets weirdest RBI of season — off nub of bat. Buck silent, unable to work “full extension” into call. Just another Memlocious Moment to savor amid Third Baseman’s Latter Days.

Aug. 14: Felix hits for Cycle and Grumpy Angel Skipper gets mad. Felix becoming known throughout MLB for inappropriately hearty celebrations.

Aug. 17: NOT DRY EYE IN CRABTOWN as AUB. gets traded to Vidalia. Huff proceeds to stink up Tigers’ already sputtering chase for playoffs and as Blogpost is being typed does not appear to be man with baseball contract.

Wayward O to Aub.: Please trade in all Country discs for Rock musics. You will hit better. Promise.

July 29: Christopher S. Tillman makes debut going 4+ in win over Kansas City Royals.

Aug. 4: Brian Robert Matusz makes sparkling debut going 5 in win over Detroit. Young talent translates to elusive late-season wins for Team.

Aug. 18: During one nasty stretch, Dempsey’s Army remarks “[I]f you are writing a blog strictly about the Baltimore Orioles, there is no respite. You suck it up, keep writing about the losing or fade away.” Wayward O nods. Keeps blogging.

Aug. 29: Rain storm clogs Camden drain during loss to Cleveland. And in move that makes some wonder Team sends Joey Renard Gathright to Boston for a player to be named.

Aug. 31 – Sept. 2: Team kicks off playoff push with home sweep versus Yankees in which Team is swept at home by Yankees.

Sept. 17 – 30: Team completes playoff push with 13-game streak in which Team loses 13 straight games. Over stretch Team outscOred by 85 – 39. On Sept. 18 Memlo becomes 2nd all-time Team third baseman in terms of games played, passing Doug DeCinces and getting props from Brooksie.

A wonderful Sun Photo

Sept. 12: Nolan ROY-mold makes sick catch.

Don’t even say it! (jeteresque)

… then gets shut down for year a few days later because of Bum Tendon. Much of month is spent by Team and last 16 fans discussing which Kids should be spelled for remainder of Year.

Oct. 2: Trembley does not get fired! And Maj. Brig. Col. Gen. Andrew Schippenbacher MacPhail coins MEANINGFUL IMPROVEMENT sobriquent for 2010 season. But Team ends season Oct. 4 with four-game win streak, avoiding stigma of 100-loss season.

Oct. 4: Sad Memlo tips cap to fans. Bloggers shed Tear. Wayward O maybe too. Just sayin’. Times gone by…

Sun Photo

Wayward O finds it disconcerting baseball is being played by Team in October when normally October is …


But thanks to suits at Fox, who treat all that is holy with extreme prejudice in lustful pursuit of money, entire post-season pushed back week. Also during postseason Fox Yaps make endless push to sell more beer ads expand Replay in Baseball. Joe Buck you are a partisan and a cad.

Oct 5. – Nov. 4: Playoffs or something.

Nov. 11: Adam Jones wins Gold Glove!

Image via MASN

Friends of Blog meet Jonesie at party, ask Jonesie which Flavor of Gum he prefers. Jonesie Demurs, saying he likes all kinds. So very Magnanimous!

Dec. 2: Team releases enticing March 2010 Grapefruit Schedule for new Spring training venue.

Dec. 7: Slimmed-down David Trembley vows to be hard-ass next year. Doesn’t want to give away outs on basepaths! Teams off-field moves have clearly put pressure on Manager to show he can take off losing hat and put on some other hat.

Dec. 10: Would you look at that extension? Buck Martinez departs MASN for Toronto. See ya!

Decemberish: Team signs Garrett Bernard Atkins and Michael Vela Gonzalez to play for Team in 2010. Team trades Christopher T. Ray for Kevin Austin Millwood and also gets suitcase full of cash. Many days leading up to Christmas-tide and Chanuka-mas are spent chewing over what means moves. Overall consensus is Moves are measured more with upside than downside. Endless Yack ensues about how every single prospect on Team is future HoF’er and should never be traded or even dangled.

Dec. 22: Team signs Aussie Hurler with 7.00 ERA but in Southern Hemisphere stat is calculated using Square Root of Earth’s Corialis Constant so Chris Lamb widely seen as major piece of puzzle going forward.

Dec. 25: Wayward O receives spiffy Spring Os jacket and picks up Team-branded winter hat at 20% off Sale. Wayward O’s ladyfriend notes profusion of Team-branded apparel in apartment.

Rest of Year: Seems destined to be quiet except for fans harassing Rock about Adrian Gonzalez.

As ever, dear reader, please let Blog know what nuggets Blog overlooked …

3 Responses to “third annual year Of team recaptacular”

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  2. Christopher Says:

    Wow that was exhaustive and impressive. Nice work.


  3. jkloster Says:

    Awesome! April 27/July 8 are great.

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